Seattle Stunner

SEATTLE, January 5, 2005:

It won't be a happy new year in Seattle, as the Ministry of Silly Walks became the latest professional sports franchise to leave the City of Sporting Futility. GM Matt Macario shocked his fanbase today by announcing that the team and its minor league affiliates will be moving to Florida to begin the 2005 season.

"We have enjoyed our time in Seattle, and have been fortunate to have made the playoffs every year to date. But we haven't been able to win a championship here, and frankly, I'm sick of the snow and rain, so Miami is sounding pretty good right about now. Give me a hurricane any day."

And with a new home come new names, as well. Macario's new team names reflect his odd devotion to comedic television shows that are no longer on the air and live only in the sad world of syndication. "That Monty Python theme worked for a while, but I was the only one who liked it," Macario said. "I'm a superstitious guy, you know, so I figured maybe a new theme will help the team, yada yada yada." A reputed fan of the Seinfeld series, Macario announced the new names of his franchise and affiliates will be as follows:

Miami Masters Of Their Domain (ML)
Sarasota Soup Nazis (AAA)
Del Boca Vista Double Dippers (AA)
Pensacola Puffy Shirts (A)
Clearwater Close Talkers (SA)
Jacksonville Junior Mints (R)

Having aired his grievances and having completed the highly coveted "pre-emptive breakup" with Seattle, Macario invited the small press corps in attendance to participate in a Feats of Strength competition, but unsurprisingly, there were no takers. Undeterred, Macario shouted "Serenity Now!" and left the podium in his swishy suit.